It’s been a minute since we’ve blogged! Summer, mom life, doula life, our kids starting school- we could go on forever- pushed blogging to the back burner for a bit. We are excited to be back and even more excited to share all we have been working on behind the scenes over the past few weeks!
We last left off with our Postpartum Series and our POPULAR post about sex after baby. There are two more postpartum pieces headed your way soon which will wrap that series. We can’t wait to dig deeper on all things pregnancy, birth, parenting, relationships, personal growth and more coming up here on the Embrace the Cape Blog!
Today we are exploring a taboo topic- disappointment over your baby’s sex. Feelings you weren’t expecting to have, and sometimes pressure from others, pop up during or after your baby’s sex is revealed. It can really throw you for a loop if you are not prepared- so let’s dive in!
disappointment from others
Typically, nobody bothers you with their opinions when it’s your first baby. It’s when your 2nd (or more) baby comes into the picture and their sex is the same as your older children. That’s when your filter is forced to work overtime as the comments start pouring in!
“You already have a girl? Let’s hope this one’s a boy.”
“Already have two boys? You HAVE to get your girl this time around.”
or a personal favorite
“Maybe the ultrasound is wrong.”
Some people refuse to understand why many parents honestly don’t care if they have all boys or all girls. Unfortunately, you might have friends, family, and even perfect strangers who feel like it’s their personal duty to bring the subject up…as if they are comforting you in some way. So how do you handle another person’s disappointment when you are undeniably excited to have an all-girl gang or the cutest little boy bunch on the block???
Easy answer: You don’t.
You owe ZERO explanations and justifications surrounding YOUR feelings about YOUR baby to anyone. You don’t have to share your plans for future children when you are asked, “Are you going to try again for a boy/girl?” You can unapologetically and confidently say how happy you are with the family you have- and move on.
when you or your partner feel disappointed
Okay, friends- we’re about to get brutally honest here. Are you paying attention?
Here it goes…
It’s okay to hope for a boy or a girl. And it’s okay if you are disappointed when the opposite of what you were dreaming of pops up on the ultrasound screen or after your baby’s sex is announced at the birth. This doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Do you hear us??? THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BAD PARENT!
There are many reasons why parents long for one or the other. It could be they already have a girl and they always wanted a boy or vice versa. Maybe they’ve experienced a loss and the idea of having another baby of the same, or the opposite sex, is too much to handle. Maybe the number of children a couple wants doesn’t fit into their reality, so the idea of never getting to experience having a son/daughter stings a bit. Maybe they have trauma in their lives and believe they will only be a good mom/dad to a boy or a girl.
Regardless, the why behind your disappointment isn’t up for discussion or judgment. How you feel is how you feel. Period.
So, what can you do if you are having a hard time coming to terms with your baby’s sex?
The best thing is to face what you are feeling head-on. It’s common for parents-to-be to have a “feeling” one way or the other soon after that first positive pregnancy test pops up. Moms are asked all the time what they “feel” like they are having. These “feelings” tend to overpower their minds and imaginations, so when they picture their unborn baby, they typically think of them as the boy or girl they have been visualizing. It’s a jolt to the system when they find out they are having the opposite of what they envisioned! And if this is you, it’s okay if you need to sit and process the news a bit.
It’s also normal to grieve the son or daughter you thought you were having. These feelings are valid, and you would be surprised to learn how many parents go through this. Nobody wants to admit it…BUT IT HAPPENS ALL OF THE TIME!
If you have your heart set on one or the other, it is probably best if you don’t plan an extravagant gender reveal party. Keep it simple and find out on your own terms. If you are yearning to celebrate with family and friends, then turn the tables and surprise THEM with all things pink or blue whenever you are ready!
A fantastic option for parents strongly longing for one sex over the other is to go Team Green and wait until your baby is born to find out! Holding your fresh little squish tends to make everything sweeter- even in times of disappointment.
it’s a boy or it’s a girl…now what?
Once you have given yourself the space and time to process your thoughts and get these feelings out of your system, you will begin to feel less shame and more excitement. Please don’t deal with the disappointment by writing it off and thinking ‘He/She is healthy, so that’s all that matters.’ Ummm hello! All parents hope for is a healthy baby…that’s a given! The health of your baby and the sex of your baby are two entirely different things.
Here are some intentional mindset tips if you are stuck in the gender disappointment phase:
Start thinking of your baby as an individual instead of a boy or a girl.
Begin to shift your thoughts to their personality and the traits you think they will have.
Allow the future experiences you are about to set out on with your child flood your thoughts. Excitement will soon follow.
Pick out a name so they feel more like a real person rather than just a baby boy or a baby girl.
Have fun shopping for clothes and planning your registry.
Make the nursery more neutral, and then add to it once your baby is here.
Start a journal for you.
Write letters to your baby.
We promise it won’t be long until you fall madly in love with your sweet babe…no matter who they are.